


Nice Day for a Gold Wedding

by fusrohan



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Cliche, Comedy, Funny name, Gen, Giants Causeway, Golden Man, Humour, Laser gun, Mistaken Identity, Murder, Northern Ireland, Original Character(s), Revenge, Sarcasm, Sonic Umbrella, Swords, ToscheiLockdown2020, Umbrellas, Weddings, bastard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:41:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23318536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fusrohan/pseuds/fusrohan
Summary: Love is in the hills of beautiful Northern Ireland. It's River Song and Missy's wedding day. Or is it? No one is quite sure, and who is that man lurking around?
Comments: 5
Kudos: 7
Collections: Thoschei Lockdown The First 2020





	Nice Day for a Gold Wedding

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bossxtweed](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bossxtweed/gifts).



> This fic takes place during a time where The Husbands of River Song has happened, but before River becomes trapped in the computer. Really anywhere in between. Or maybe it does matter? I'm not good enough at Doctor Who to now that yet :(

It was as beautiful of a day as any in the rocky hills of Bushmills, Northern Ireland. The sun was peeking its head from white cotton clouds, and the rain hadn’t started yet. Come to think of it, the day was far nicer than most. Of course, that’s what you’d pray for if it’s your wedding day. 

Beneath the golden sky, a tiny chapel on the hill sat. It was smaller than River was expecting. It was like a thimble nestled by the sea, and the red of its former glory was being washed away by the spray from below. It sat precariously on the cliff face daring to leap off at any moment. The chapel was especially disappointing because, there, standing in the doorway was the last woman River had wanted to see again. However there stood Missy, dressed in that long plum petticoat and leaning on a sleek black umbrella. It didn’t matter how striking she was, River was still disappointed at the sight of her. 

“Find the place ok?” called Missy. 

“Almost had to use a magnifying glass” River scoffed , her eyes darted around the sullen sight and landed on an old priest standing stalk still just at the cliff's edge .“How did you convince that poor man to give up the place to the smattering of aliens that is our wedding party anyway?” 

“Well, I had told him I was going to kill him, which made taking the church rather easy, but frustratingly he refuses to say something nice, even though I’ve been very polite apart from the threat to his life” she says, her Scottish lilt dancing across her words. 

River rolling her eyes, walked into the church brushing past Missy on her way through. 

Missy moved further into the church and began to reminisce “Do you remember how I proposed to you, my darling dearest?” she said, dry humour dripping through her words. Those narrow scheming eyes piercing the back of River’s head, as Missy leaned forward on the church pew, hands pushing her cheeks like dough. 

“I do remember, it was day, or… or was it the evening I-” she stopped, faltered and began again. “You know, come to think of it,” said River spinning on her heel, mind still settling into the idea of marriage to the murderous Time Lord, “I haven’t the foggiest memory of how you did. That’s…. strange, isn’t it?”

“You’d think so, but unfortunately, my curly haired she-devil I can’t seem to remember a thing either.” Missy walked through the church aisles as she pondered this new information, her eyes rolling from the donation bin to graffiti etchings carved along the backs of old wooden benches. 

“Do you think that… Do you think someone else did this?” RIver said, trepidation lining her words. 

“You think someone is having us married against our will? Rather cruel joke to play isn't it? Little bit, poorly thought out as far as evil plans go. I’ve had a few duds, but none we’re quite as mushy as this one.” 

“Well you might think that but-” much to the women’s surprise, a tall figure now hung in the doorway. The Irish sun framed him in silhouette, flecks of gold were glinting on him, and his low and calculated voice filled the chapel. “I asked both of you here, a little brainwashing was necessary of course. I thought it would be funny to have you marry. I just didn’t think you’d have figured it out quite so quickly. I was really looking forward to the show.” 

As he spoke he moved down the aisle towards them at the altar, like a bride, but this bride was now in full view and his dark golden eyes were shining in the dimly lit church and his matching golden armour was thick and weighed heavily on him, green rags spilling out from the cracks of it. 

Missy and River stood still, Missy openly calm, did not so much as lift an eyebrow to the golden man who claimed to have brainwashed them. River on the other hand, had several questions swirling through her mind, and she wasn’t about to let a tall man intimidate her. However it was Missy who spoke first.

“Rather rude not to knock isn’t it?” She moved from the altar to circle the stranger, who was now planted at the base of the platform on which River stood. She gave the man a once over and came back to rest at the shoulder of River, and spoke once more, “So what does a rude man like you want with two time travellers hmm? NO! Wait, let me guess, does it have to do with murder? Would you like to murder me? I can’t speak for the curly haired one, but people usually want to murder me.” A smile danced across Missy’s lips, recalling fond memories of all the times she’d met a fan.

The man in gold’s unshakable demeanor faltered for a moment and then he croaked out “Well, actually yes, I’d hoped to kill the both of you… however it doesn’t seem quite as fun anymore. You’ve spoiled the ending.” 

With the last breath of his words gone he moved, moved much faster than his saunter up to altar suggested. As he moved he drew a long glittering sword from his back that had been hidden from view. It crackled with energy and he swiped wide, nearly catching the poof of Rivers creme blouse. 

Now it was River’s turn to move. She drew her gun from her holster and cracked off a shot. The Golden man had already moved from where he was and the shot hit a bookshelf sending books and ash into the air. 

“Why are you doing this?” yelled River, grunting as she rolled away from another swipe of the Golden Man’s sword. She could see him smiling as she fired off another shot that went wide, and a thought began to enter her brain. Where the hell was Missy? 

The man spoke again this time the anger seeped into his words “You don’t remember do you? That ship you left behind? The Harmony & Redemption? You were with that scottish man they call The Doctor. You knew the meteors were coming, and still you left all those innocent people behind”

The man had stopped fighting. His breath heavy, and the still like quality of his face had curdled into a snarling grimace. “My family died that day. A whole lineage was lost. My mother was gone, my sisters and brothers, everyone I had loved and known were gone. All because you were too selfish to save us. I walked the universe to find you, and I finally got you here to get revenge on you” 

River was momentarily taken aback. It had never occurred to her that there were innocents aboard the ship, nor had she considered herself at fault for it’s destruction. She might’ve taken responsibility for it, had it been earlier in her time stream, or had the Doctor not drilled their silly time rules into her brain.

She gathered a response, “I didn’t kill those people. That meteor shower had to happen, you must believe me, I never intended to hurt you or your family, but I swear to you, I couldn’t have saved those people even if I wanted to.” 

Her even and calm tone did nothing to sway the fury that emanated from her golden foe. she started to think of another thing to say to him, something that would stop this rampage of metal and anger, but before she could, Missy glided back into the room. 

“Hope you saved me some fun, I had to go and check on our little priest friend, who still refuses to say something nice, and I just don’t understand-” Missy stopped walking and looked at all the gun blasts on the walls before turning to the two figures standing, panting out of breath and locked in intense eye contact. “Oh. I see you’ve started without me, though River I find it a little rude that you’re flirting with an attempted murder on our wedding day. You could’ve at least left a note if you were going to leave me at the altar for another psychopath” 

River, now visibly flustered and cross, retorted “I am not flirting! We were just having a quick discussion about why he wants to kill us!” her eyes darted back to the figure and asked, “What is your name anyway? If I’m going to be murdered I’d at least like to know who’s done it” 

“Erm, Robert…” The man replied. 

“What? Robert? Not, Quarlik or Gorclin? Not even Robert the Terrible, or Golden Robert, or… anything particularly interesting?” River had dropped her fighting stance now, the ridiculousness of his mediocrity throwing her off. 

“Uhm, yes. Robert. I- I suppose some of my friends called me Rob.” Robert paused before adding “Before you killed them all.”

Missy’s eyes widened, “River! You never told me you were murdering people, we could’ve been friends this whole time. Pity this mans going to kill you now” 

“I didn’t murder anyone! And he’s not going to kill me, that’s ridiculous. I refuse to meet my end by a man named Robert”

“Do you know what I still don’t get,” said Missy “Why did you want me here? You seem to have a vendetta against my curly haired bride, but I’m feeling a little left out of all of this flirting.” 

“Why does she think that my plot for revenge is flirting?” Robert asked quizzically. 

“It’s a long story, and I don’t think we have time right now,” River answered, “But that’s a good question erm… Robert. Why do you want her dead?”

“She’s scottish isn’t she?” he replied “I was told she was the Doctor” 

Missy couldn’t control the delight in her voice “You know, I love when this happens. Yes it's me, The Doctor. Sorry, I know you were expecting angry eyebrows, or maybe a bow tie. Who’s to say really. But no, I’m a woman and I have an umbrella and I won’t hesitate to shoot you with it.” 

River scoffed, “She is not The Doctor, she’s Missy, and she is never to be trusted. Good job on luring the wrong person into your trap though, Robert.”

“Now River you didn’t have to ruin my fun,” said Missy with a sulk. Then she added “You didn’t have to be rude about it either.” 

Robert chimed in.”She’s right you know. You didn’t have to be that rude!” His posture changed back into striking position 

“It doesn't matter now. I made it this far and I'm not leaving until I get the revenge I came for. Both of you will die, here and now in this church and the souls of my family can finally-” he faltered as he watched Missy pull a small silver square out of her pocket. 

“I’m sorry, I just cannot sit through another one of your revenge speeches.” with that, she points the device at Robert, “Say something nice please.” 

“I will never say anything nice to the aggressors of my life! You deserve nothing but pain and misery in your tiny-” 

“Bored now.” Missy cuts off Robert again and with a press of a button, Robert disappears with a flash of red and a scream. 

“Sorry about that, but I just couldn’t deal with his ramblings anymore. They felt almost rehearsed? Like he’d been watching too many earth movies.” Missy's tone was unwavering and bored as she put away the device she had just used to kill a man. “So, what do you think, I’m in the mood for a cup of tea, you?”

River hadn’t moved for the entire exchange. It moved too quickly for her to even realize what Missy had done. Her mind only just catching up to the idea of tea now, and clearing of its previous brainwashing. 

“You… You just killed a man. I do not think I am in the mood for tea.” she said 

“Well, I'll have to be off then. Terribly sorry to go Runaway Bride on you.” Missy strolled back down the aisle as she said this and stood just outside the doorway of the little chapel, looking back at River one more time. She opened her umbrella, winked, and rose up into the sky. 

River was now alone in the chapel still reeling from the events of the day. She looked around at the mild amount of carnage and thought it fitting for a mildly carnal man. Once all the memories had settled into her brain she looked down at the spot where Robert had just been, then at the doorway and she realized something. She was very much in the mood for a cup of tea.


End file.
